Thank who she's alive

To be healed, or not to be healed. That is the question!

So here is a scenario for you. A 1 year old child is diagnosed with cancer. It's a rare form and little research has been done. Doctors give her a 10% chance of survival, and warn the parents that this going to require many extensive and painful procedures. The little 1yr old lives with her Dad in the hospital for the next year and a half, slowly getting better after enduring such painful events that we couldn't even imagine. Finally after stem cell transplants, radiation and several bouts of chemotherapy she is deemed cancer free and released to go home and live as normal life as possible. Now riddled with scars both physical and mental, and possibly not able to bare children or be able to grow a full head of hair ever again.

How do you look at this?

My own walk away from the church was strengthened by this story. So many of my close friends looked at this young girl and kept praising god for healing her from such a dire condition. Completely overlooking what pain and torment that she just went through. Who is to blame for all her hurt, all the pain and stress her family and friends went through. The answer is a simple one. No one! No one is to blame for her hurt, it's a sad part of life. People die! It's over and we move on. We also live, laugh and hurt all without god. If god had of been a factor in this little girls life then wouldn't he be to blame for all her pain and suffering as well? The fact is that if we except hod as being her healer then. He is also the cause of her sorrow. What justification could you put forward to her pain, and what about the people that don't make it? Are there lives any less important then hers?

I know I can theologisize(yes I just made that up) it away with the "we don't know Gods reasons, because he has one for everything bull shit" but I just don't buy that. More or less like I don't buy into the faith argument.

Faith healing?

Nope, it was a medical miracle!

Any thoughts on the faith battle would be appreciated.

So now what?

So I haven't made a post in over 3 month now and have been feeling that my current format isn't really working for me. I wanted to journey back to the beginning and kind of walk back through the years of my deconversion. felling overwhelmed with detail in that style of writing, I wanted to be free in my ablity to blog. It is the true meaning of such a site isn't it? So I guess that's what I'll be writing about from now on. Let it all begin from tonight on and I'll keep bringing in my past as much as I can. But if I'm going to call this a journey through " my " mind then I guess it has to work the way my mind does. Crazy as I am, I hope you enjoy.

Sometimes I wonder . . .

Growing up in a church has shaped me, instilling me with beliefs, morals and a sense of belonging. I look back and think, who would I have become if I knew and believed what I believe now? Would I have fallen into the grasp of the partiers, and pot heads of the town. Would I have still said no to those first cigarettes. Truth be told I don't really know, and never will. The only question I can answer is this. Would I say no now? In most cases yes, I would answer no. On the other hand I now drink, I have had the occasional cigar or cigarette, but I know not to abuse those things. The church instilled just enough fear in me to help me realize the dangers and idiocy of these things. I know that I won't go to hell if I smoke or drink but I know that if I abuse them that my odds of living longer and healthier on this glorious planet will shrink drastically. I love my world, I love being able to gaze up into the sky and dream of showing my son Orion's belt. I love living without fear of a God, being able to make my choices on my own, without the influence of a religion. Choices based on my family and myself, based on my surroundings, my country and the world we all inhabit. The fact is, we are all that there is and ever will be, so take care of your family, yourself and this planet we all call home.

I love you, but burn in hell!

I have always battled with the definition of heaven and hell, and the concept of them both. I've never been able to see how I could someday be transformed into a spirit realm of either glorious nirvana or an eternity of pain and suffering. In theory it sounds like a great way to straighten out the idiots and petafiles out there. Yet that's where my discontent sits. How can someone as audacious as Ted Bundy be granted salvation, and someone that has lived a life taking immaculate care of there children, pass away and be ushered into the lake of fire because she didn't believe in Jesus. How self centered and evil must an all mighty creator be to have such possibilities be truth. It doesn't sit well with me knowing that it doesn't matter what you've done in life as long as you can show repentance at the end. Rape, pillage and murder as long as you stop and say your sorry? It's ok, lets change the law! Worked for Afghanistan, new bill passed recently allowing a husband to rape his wife, and marry children! [Google Shia Family Law] It's easy for me to be anti-God, but the hard part is dealing with the ones you love. Especially in my case having a whole family surrounded and raised on the belief in a supreme God.

One of my main reasons for not coming out as an atheist, humanist, or agnostic whatever label you might want to give me. Is simply because I don't want to have to deal with the taunts of hell and salvation. I know that my parents love me, as do my brothers. Yet the idea of me telling them that I don't believe in there almighty creator anymore makes me shutter at my core. I can only imagine the ridicule I'd receive, let alone the heartbreak my parents would endure. I don't say these things to disrespect my parents, but to try and open the eyes of the people who may read this. Truth being, their perseverance to re convert me, or “save me” is because they love me! Strangely enough. They truly believe that I am doomed to an eternity of fire and pain. I try my best to look at this, and not say “how blind can you be, but the truth is they are blind! Eyes covered by the traditions and ideals of the church. I say that with all the love I possibly can.

It comes down to truly being deceived. I've battled all these years trying to avoid being deceived by the deceiver, only to be deceived by the deceivers them selves! 04.07.09

On a Sunday morning sidewalk . . . I'm wishing Lord that I was stoned

Here I stand in the midst of a congregation praising and worshiping a God that I'm not quite sure I understand or even believe in anymore. All so focused on pure genuine worship, slowly I begin to feel like joining in myself. Having been a believer and experienced this before it reminds me of its benefit. You feel so free in times of worship, it's as if you have somewhere to let go of all your troubles and worries and just focus on God. Now, that doesn't mean that this is the touch of God on my life.(I'm sure my believing readers will interpret it in this way) Or in anyway am I now feeling his presence and considering the error of my ways. Thats not it at all. I'm now looking at this act in a new light, what really makes church and worship such a pleasurable pastime.

Can you imagine attending a church that could just loose the concept of God and just be a group of people all coming together to make each other better people. Being a helping hand in times of need. Being big brothers, and mentors to other kids who need someone in there life. Or a group of people focused on uplifting and helping each other out with finances, home improvements and whatnot. And not focused on religion or having to meet the standards of a jealous God.

There are people lost and alone, with no one else in there lives who live in this never ending guilt that they have failed God. Not being able to come back to the church where they found hope and a scene of belonging because of this judgment. A church without judgment and religious dictatorship could be so much more welcoming to people who need this kind of help. A place of healing, in the most humanist way I can use that term.

I hear and see it all the time but until you have witnessed, or felt it yourself it's hard to recognize it. So many writers and song artists lay it out in the writings and lyrics all the time. Like my good ole friend Johnny Cash. He wrote a song called “Sunday Morning Coming Down” It's a song that has always reminded me of my family both immediate and church. I know it may not be exactly what Mr. Cash was thinking when he wrote it, but the sense of failure and shame seem to be so strong. A sample of what has kept people from the arms of the church family from the beginning. So with that I'll leave you with the chorus, a song that has helped shaped my view of the church family. Cheers! 01.22.09

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down

~Johnny Cash~

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Is the Apple Red?

For as long as I can remember I have been cursed with this inability to focus. I have always been a pestilence to my Dad, lurking over his shoulder doing daily chorus and always asking the infamous question “ why dad? ” To every direction he gave me I would answer in the same manner. Not because I was uninterested in what he was telling me, or that I didn't want to do what he asked. I just wanted, needed to know why. I have always asked the questions that others passed over or seen it as insignificant.

So why do I call it my curse rather then a blessing of inquisitiveness. It's because of my upbringing, being raised Christian is hard enough on it's own but when your whole belief system relies on the basis of you believing blindly or as the church would call it “having faith” it becomes extremely hard. Especially for someone who wants to question everything, and needs an answer that has some meat to it rather then the ever so over used cliche saying have faith. Faith has always been a problem for me. Having faith just didn't seem to satisfy me. I needed that little bit of extra info, the truth. So what is the truth. Is there a God? Is there a heaven and a hell? Why do children starve? Why do people die everyday from crippling and debilitating diseases. How can caner be in this world if God is all powerful. How can a child loose his parents to an accident. How can a mother loose her child after carrying for 8mhts and there still be an all powerful all knowing God who is full of love? How?

My teacher asked me in kindergarten to pick out a block that had the same colour of an apple. I brought her 4 blocks. Is the apple Red? It all depends on how you see the it. Is God actually what I've been taught? Maybe it's time to look for some other blocks.01.05.09